Sunday, June 30, 2013

Are You Being E- Maintained?

Technology is great until it starts taking a heavier role in our relationships, by making some quite lazy and changing the standards on what is acceptable behavior in a relationship.  This is the era of e- maintenance, the era when it is okay to have several boyfriends or girlfriends on line and keep in constant contact with them either via texting, whatsapping,  and skyping, if you are feeling particularly lonely or horny. Of course, let’s not forget  the constant pings or pokes, and the freedom to arrange dates/ 'sexates’ via these technological tools.

Now, if both parties are consenting adults and they are very aware of what they are doing, then I say by all means, go ahead and meet that need.  But, it becomes problematic, when one is under the impression that he/she is in a relationship with this person, while the other partner views him/her as just an online partner/occasional booty call or 'online counselor/skyper/let me see your face when I am feeling horny or lonely/'pingster’.  That really is where the problem often occurs.

Unfortunately, men have learnt at a young age how to compartmentalize emotions and feelings and until women learn the same, we will keep on hearing sad stories about women who fell for these tricks.  Now, some will swear that they aren’t being e-maintained and that rather, because of the situation - that is the only way of keeping in touch. The situation being those who are in long distance relationships.

My response is that everyone knows when they aren’t really important in the frame of things.  You , do not have to be Einstein smart to fill in the gaps.  Yes, long distance relationships, particularly those with people in different countries will involve a lot of technology.  But, is that really all that you have going in the relationship? Secondly, I will  have to ask - what kind of technology is being used to keep in touch and how much time and money is being spent on that technology to communicate with you.  I am sorry, but it all adds up.

How do you know if you are being E- maintained?

a) All communication occurs via technology that involves the least amount of energy.  Texting, Whatsapping, Poking, Facebooking.  You can contact several gents and ladies all at the same time.  You can even create folders with terms and sentences and just basically, copy and paste. 

b) You only hear from this person when he/she is particularly horny/depressed/wants to share/ lonely.

c) You look around you, and you can’t really see anything that this person has contributed into your space.  Something that marks his/her spot.  Something that shows that he/she is an important facet of your life.  There are no gifts, no paintings, no jewelry, no books, no nothing.   In his/her spot, there aren’t any markers of your presence.  Yes, pictures are great markers.

d) You only hear from this person, if it is during the holidays’ and the person wants a particular thing.  It could be a gift of some sort.  Basically, in the ‘e-maintanance’ relationship, you are the only giver.  There isn’t an equal exchange.

e) I remember talking to a ‘friend’ of mine, who was /is e maintaining several women,  a couple here in the states, one in the UK and several in different parts of Africa, and I asked him, ‘really, what‘s going on?’ and his response was that, ‘though he had someone who he considered himself being serious with in the States, these other ladies weren’t really important’ but yet, one of those ladies was blasting all over Face book, how she loved her man and ‘how love was such an emotion that was making her high’.  Please, cue in my cynical face at this juncture.   Ladies, be careful when it comes to men you meet on the net, many have several faces and many are in polyamorous relationships.

f) You can change the rules.  Pick up the phone and call.  Does he/she return your call? text or whatsapp/email back? If he/she returns your call at a good hour, not whispering, not at 12 am...then maybe..if he/she whatsapps/emails/texts back then......

I will end by asking that men and women take the time to look at their ‘relationship(s)’ this week.   Are you being e-maintained?   When a man is ready for a relationship, he puts out all signs to show that he is ready.  He commits time. He commits financially. He doesn’t play games.  He marks his territory.  He doesn’t get involved in e-maintenance relationships because he doesn’t want you to be confused about his intent.   There is a clear difference between a man and a boy, women should learn the difference.  There are many boys walking around, dressed as men.  Similarly,when a woman is ready for a relationship - she makes sure that there are no mixed signals that she gives to men that she is open to their advances. She is polite but very clear.  She doesn’t play games.  She commits time.  She commits financially.  She also marks her territory.

I hope that this will be helpful to some out there.  For those who are tired of being e-maintained, maybe there is a need to make a change.  Be  the strong one, break out of that mess today. Change the rules.  Stop being satisfied with substandard behavior. That doesn't make you a good woman or man.  It makes you seem quite foolish.

June 2013, Be Courageous,Pamela's World,

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