Not Into You?

It all started on the play ground, as a nine years old girl learnt a valuable lesson that will remain with her for the rest of her life. This life lesson was brought about by Billy - the 10 years old cool kid on the block pushing her off the swing. As she cried her tears of pain - her older sister running up to her gave her these home truths, “the reason Billy pushed you off the swing and hurt you is because he really likes you”. This lesson will remain with this young girl for the rest of her life as she wades through her story of love realizing that often times hurt and pain often comes with that thing called love.

I remember a couple of years ago - a book came out chronicling this tale of love and hurt and this book became an instant success as the mantra for all single dating women became, “maybe he is not that into you”. But, despite the success of this book and of course the movie that came out a couple of months ago - many are still falling into the same trap and realizing a little bit too late that there often is no correlation between love and sex. This write up applies to both men and women. These are the points to keep in mind that he/she is not that into you.

1) Emotional signs: He finds it difficult to call you his girlfriend or his significant other. He has been with you for more than 6 months and yet still hasn’t said,” I love you”. He loves that word, “friend” and in his mind that often means - “fuck buddy”.

2) He shows you disrespect - I have always believed that the way a person treats another one defines what you think about that person. A person who is condescending, always never has anything positive to say about anything you do is definitely not a person you should have around you because what that person does is bites away at your esteem until you find yourself asking for their opinion on anything that concerns you. Any person that puts down your values, ideals , your ideas is definitely not into you. I will go as far as saying that you are setting yourself up for an emotionally abusive relationship that can potentially be physically abusive if care is not taken.

3) Mr. Chaser: Now, this is a special breed that most women have met at one time or the other in their dating lives. This guy is just thrilled with the chase. He loves looking like a God. What he does is that he chases, romances, buys, spoils and makes it seem as though he is in love with you and only you and when he gets what he wants - he moves on to the next person. The only way to avoid getting hurt by this special breed is to have a ‘breathe button’ where you constantly assess everything he does and you try to ensure that you do not get caught up in the ’superficial’ or ‘things’. Find out what he is about? Who is he really? Don’t fall for the lines. “You are the only one for me” often is a line that he sprouts to several people at the same time, you and the person he meets online at 10 pm at night.

4) Friends with Benefit: I am not going to say anything more about this. Please, read previous posts to see what I have said about this. I will recommend that you do the friends with benefit thing only if you can handle it. Don’t start and start thinking about a relationship unless HE brings it up.

5) Dwindling communication: Remember how you two met? You could hardly get enough of each other. Every moment you were either texting, calling, or using other communication tools to keep in touch and then all of a sudden he is too busy to call, text or use those tools. Or most importantly when you two talk, you don’t talk about anything really important. You don’t know about his family, work, friends etc. Trust me on this - someone else is getting that information and enjoying the privilege of these communication. As I often say, if you suddenly drop off the radar - someone else IS on that radar.

I chose these five points because I have seen so many African men and women fall into these traps. If you feel the need to drop me a line, or comment, you can meet on facebook (Pamela Stitch).

Could Your Man Be Cheating?

I know a couple of men started muttering when they came across this topic: “what is up with Pamela and these kinds of topics?”. Yes, I know I have approached this topic from several tangents in different write ups -”men like wolves, small house problem etc”. But, I realized, that there is still a lot more I have to say about this. Maybe, this will be my last write up on this, who knows? Okay, maybe till I come across something that ticks me off. Last week, I got a chance to talk to a guy friend of mine who I had lost contact with in years, and he let it slip that he knows that his daddy was cheating on his mother. I remember being in shock at the blase way he mentioned it. I know African men cheating in most of their love/lust relationships isn’t a new thing but the tone that this was mentioned, made me realize that to many African men - CHEATING IS NOT A BIG DEAL! Having to deal with this onslaught of emotions, I decided that I need to discuss this with my co host and friend on radio. Bringing my co host - Mwangi on and chatting with several Africans who were logged on, I realized that these two rules seem to be quite true of our men:

a) African men WILL CHEAT.

b)There is a cultural expectation for these men to cheat, as there is a cultural expectation for African women to forgive them and take them back.

At first, I was in shock at this feedback, because I am being told that as women, I should not expect simple givens like trust and ‘fidelity in a truly ‘committed’ relationship. So, my question really, if the situation were the reverse, “should I expect my man to be blase about it?”. Yes, I can hear the chuckles of some of the men at that statement. We know men will not put up with a cheating partner. I would have taken this further and called for an open relationship but that is a topic for another day.

Let’s deal with the basic question: Why do African men cheat?

a) simple answer: because they can and they can get away with it.

b) complicated answer: because they want to explore something extra, greed, insecurity.

Now, back to the main topic at hand: how do you know your man is cheating?

a) He picks up an argument every time - nothing seems to please him. The main reason for this is because, he is looking for an opportunity to connect with his new, “connection with the classic line, I am so misunderstood aka she doesn’t understand me but you do”.

b) Erratic behavior

c) You come across condoms in his car, his wallet or you notice that there are missing condoms in the pack.

d) He suddenly becomes too nice. For example, if you have a miserly man and all of a sudden he starts buying you stuff like there is no tomorrow, he is doing that to assuage his guilt.

e) He doesn’t notice you in your sexy get up aka freakum dress.

f) He suddenly becomes experimental in the bedroom.

g) calls you by another woman’s name during that moment.

h) Spends all his spare time on the phone with a particular female friend.

i) Raises hypothetical questions like, “do you think it is possible to love more than one person at one time?”.

j) wants more sex

k) wants less sex or no sex

l) turns off his cell phone when he’s home or with you or goes outside to make his phone call.

m) charger problems/lost cell phone/lost charger - being the reason you can’t get a hold of him for days.

I will end by quoting an African man who states -”if he’s African,he’ll probably cheat” and if you are a virgin and you are dating an African man - he’s probably cheating.

By the way - men could we change the lines a bit, if I hear, I am so misunderstood one more time - I will literally scream. oh yes, emotional cheating is still cheating.


Till next time,

Pammy

Ntjamrosie - Cameroonian Song Bird




Please, refer to Beyonce's Video below.

Thank God It Is Friday... (Update)

All I can say is that I am happy it is Friday, this has been a long, LONG, week. I really have nothing to write here...

Okay, what have I been up to?

a) I have watched someone really close to me finally get the courage to leave. Many of us laugh at the whole concept of being brain washed. But, it does happen. So, really, think things through before you accept it and ensure that it matches your personal truths. She finally saw that certain behaviors were unacceptable. In my heart, I am singing Hallelujah, may she have the courage to keep to her decisions.

b)As most of you know...I have transitioned radio stations. Yes, Pamela, is always changing but do you know what I have noticed...at the moment, these changes are taking place, it often seems to be the worst decision ever but later on, I find out, oh my goodness...this was the best decision ever. So, I look at this in that light. (I think this whole lesson ties into my bat incident last year). Why this radio station? I will go into this more fully in two weeks time before my first show with them. Of course, the radio station is African!


What has Pamela been up to in the past week, week and a half?
c1)NO, I was not on a secret honeymoon!

2)No, I was not secretly becoming a porn star somewhere!

3) I wasn't kidnapped by the DHL (or any mail/parcel delivering)guy. But, quick question though, are these men specially picked for their fyness? I have often wondered because I am yet to see an ugly one. Just asking...na innocent question!


Pamela's Advice For the Week:
Make sure that as you listen to the sweet, sweet gossip from whomever it might be, don't accept it, till you confirm it from the source. I have noticed that people love filling the gaps, adding salt,sugar and pepper to stories and in some cases, enjoy the whole process of FABU! (Naija people know what I am on about now!). I keep to my general rule which states: if two people know each other, thou shalt not be involved in the spreadations (my new word) of sweet juicy, juice (gossip)...whatever I know about both sides shall be kept with me and not shared with others. As most people know, I am GREAT at keeping secrets. This na general advice before una come disturb me for here.

*Pamela, needs to be motivated to crack open her text books to review or she will be getting an F on her upcoming exam but I am often so tired by the time I get home..... :-(



LIVING MY LIFE

Saturday 3 - 4 pm New York Time On SARFMRADIO

As most people know, I had a blast talking to Ekene Onu on SARFMRADIO about a month or so ago. For those that followed that interview, we did talk about her book and ended up discussing relationships particularly from the Diasporan African perspective. I was so impressed that her answers were not the standard cookie cutter African woman answers but rather her answers showed an awareness of Africans in the diaspora, the expectations of Africans, knowledge, humor and most importantly wisdom.

I knew it was time to bring back the Lovers Lounge after my brief hiatus but I knew that it needed more of a vavavoom, I reached out to Ekene because of the reasons I mentioned earlier. I also reached out to L.A also known as Brown Suga, a co worker on SARFMRADIO. Brown Suga will be bringing in a modern day edge to the show. I reached out to Brown because I loved her bluntness and I knew she will say it as she saw it. We, three, dare I say it, independent women will be hosting a show every last Saturday of the month from 3pm -4pm (Eastern Standard/NY Time). Please, listen. I will love to know what your thoughts are and if you could call in and participate - that will be great.

The numbers are 212 283 3866 and 1877 SARFM35. You can also send us an email at
thelovedoctors@bigstring.com. (yes, cheeky and quaint).


To listen in:
a) www.sarfmradio.com
b)http://stream.netro.ca/sarfmradio
c)http://www.myspace.com/sarfm540



If there are any typos..abegi sorry...

cough! cough!

Take Care,
pammy

The Single Mother Trap!

A couple of years ago, I went to visit a good friend of mine in his house. I met his girlfriend there and we got a talking. In the process, I found out that he had been going out with this lady for awhile, in retrospect that should have been my clue in, after all I am his close friend and I had never heard of this woman. After the lady had left, I sat down to have a personal one on one with my friend. Of course, the ever curious Pammy, had to talk about that lady. The conversation went like this:

Pammy (laughing happily) : “wow! I see the signs”

Male Friend: ” What signs?”. ” What are you on about now?”

Pammy: “she seems to be the one o!”. (At this point, I was already planning my traditional getup for his introduction ceremony).

Male friend (with a bemused look on his face): “the one for what?”

Pammy:”ah ah. Marriage. This is the first time I have ever seen you so serious about a woman in my life”

Male friend (laughing uproariously): ” Not in this life time, she is a single mother”.

Pammy (confused look on my face): “what does that have to do with anything? She isn’t with the father of her child so why is that an issue?. It is obvious you love this woman”.

Male friend (still laughing): “Please o! Don’t you know that you do not take on people’s problem. A single, young, successful man will never marry a single mother unless there is an extra incentive. It isn’t done unless he is off his knockers. You just use them to pass time till you are ready”.

Pamela at this point is pissed off and amazed at this kind of thinking. So, it is fine to f*** a single mother, and be in a quasi relationship with a single mother but you can never take this person seriously! Allow me to become Zimbabwean for two seconds as I say asi chi nhai!

Now, I felt that this kind of mentality was just one for my friend who I had put under my “Pammy’s cuckoo list” but I happened to log into one of my favorite Zimbabwean forum sites and this topic was under discussion. The question really was, “why do Zim men want to date the single mother?” A lot of the responses brought up were basically on the same line as my friend:

a) easy to sleep with.

b) no need for any form of commitment.

c)many do not expect any form of commitment from men.

Now, I am a bit concerned about this because it seems that many African men view these women in the same line as prostitutes. My question is, what makes these women so different that they cannot expect to receive or give love? Why must the rule be different for men and women when it comes to single parenthood? A man can have children with twenty different women and he is still looked at as a prime catch for any woman but women can’t do the same and be looked at in the light of being someone’s wife. This is a double standard that needs to be addressed.

So, as I often say, edumacate me……why won’t you take a single mother as a wife? For single mother’s, how have you found the dating scene?

*PS: Pamela isn’t a single mother. Pamela is anti double standards in relationships. Pamela is definitely against men who get women pregnant with no intention of marrying them and go chasing other women in their late teens and early twenties (you know who you are!). Oh yes, for those African women having sex with African men, be careful…it is very easy to become yesterday’s discarded newspaper if you get pregnant for him without a ring on that finger, so wrap it up, take those pills and everything in between. To be forewarned is to be forearmed!

Iyo Ngwo Ngwo Mama G - I Jikwa Ego (LOL!!)

I love this song, it really cracks me up all the time.

**If you really, really feel the need to drop a comment. Please, send me a comment via my face book page.

Me, You And Baby Makes Three!

I have to admit that my biological clock hasn't started ticking yet. I really do not know when it will but not soon o...biko!! Anyways sha, the other day I watched a great Nolly Wood movie called, "behind closed doors" featuring RMD, Stella Damascus and Desmond Elliot. As some people know, I am a fan of RMD's ACTING but not his physique. Sorry, I do not believe that a man should have a big butt!

Oh, but I digress.. anyways, the premise of the movie is the title of this post. A man finds out that he has low sperm count and as such he can't get any woman pregnant, Naija + African male pride (alias stupidity -I know a couple of men will get me for this..lol!) wouldn't allow him to accept an adopted baby in his home. Instead, he colludes with his sick brother (who has a short time to live and who has a major crush on his wife) to get his wife pregnant via sexual relations. What happens next? You have to see the movie - it was well acted and the end ... just simply great.

But, it begs the question - how open will you be to adopting a child if you find out that you or your significant other do not have the ability to procreate? This question is particularly for men. We know for many women, their choice will be to remain childless and take the secret of the man's impotence to the grave while bearing insults from his family members and friends. Of course, if the reverse is the case - many African men have no problem going for wife number two, three or twenty.

This movie really did give me something to think about as I find myself asking if I will be open to adopting, artificial inseminating, buying a woman's ovaries or will I keep on praying and hoping, if such a scenario should occur in my home?


Thought for the day:

Why are many Africans wary of adopting babies from motherless babies home?