Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Joy Of Settling

It all started again today. I was on the subway heading out to meet someone, I noticed the stain on my jacket from my iced coffee caramel latte (delicious stuff from Mcdonalds). As I bent down to examine the stain, I ended up eavesdropping on a conversation centered on a very controversial incident that happened a week ago in the states.

An older lady was berating a younger lady who looked to be in her late twenties -early thirties about her inability to secure a mate. As per the older lady, the younger lady was being too picky in her choice for her mate and she felt that the younger lady should close her eyes and say yes to the first man that comes her way.

Internally, I winced, as I realized that though this woman was speaking to her younger friend in a not -Anglophone English accented way, her truths are the truths often spouted to younger women who haven't settled at the accepted age or have no inclination or plan to settle. As I listened to her go on, I found myself transported to a town in Nigeria, as an older man about twenty years or more older goes to visit his intended. I found myself listening in to the advice given by aunties and mothers as they convince her that she isn't getting any younger and her eggs might be decaying with the need to carry a child. I see the younger lady struggling with her decision to marry a man who is older than her father but accepting it because it is societally acceptable to get married. I find myself with the lady as she gets on her plane to the United States and finds that her Mr.everyone's darling isn't really Mr. Everyone's darling but rather a horror fostered on her by society that will not leave her alone to find herself. Now, for those who have a neutral ear, we know that the horror that occured in Minnesota is most likely not one sided but as we tell alternative stories about what might have happened, it is important that we do not forget this important piece in the tale.

This piece is one in which women will not let women find themselves. I remember reading Ms. Onu's book, the Mrs. Club with a grin of approval because within that tale was the story of three women individually finding themselves. For some, they had to go through horrors to get there but I found myself wondering - what could have been their tale, if society had backed off a bit and let them be?

I have often said, that the truth is in the tasting of the pudding. Marriage is not an easy walk in the park and taking on marriage without understanding the amount of work that it entails, without knowing who you are and what your worth is, without loving and appreciating who you are with but getting into marriage with the thoughts of just settling is just unhappiness waiting to happen.

I wish older women will back off a bit and I wish younger women will spend time getting a sense of who they are before settling down.

Pamela's Home Truths
a) Pamela Does Not Believe In Settling
b) Pamela Believes In Being With Someone That She Loves.
c) If A Break Up Does Occur - It Is Because Certain Truths Aren't Being Told.
d) Pamela Believes In Knowing Her Truths and Living In Her Truths.
e) Pamela Believes In Standards.
f) Oh Yes, Pamela does get Horny!! (lol!!)

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